


I Want To Believe It But I Can't.

by snubnosedpantalaimon



Category: His Dark Materials (TV), His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
Genre: Child Abuse, Dysfunctional Relationships, Gen, Mother-Daughter Relationship, bc she ends up drugging her Again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:21:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28293756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snubnosedpantalaimon/pseuds/snubnosedpantalaimon
Summary: Post Season 2 / 2x07 fic.Marisa had locked the suitcase again and had started to drift off to sleep herself when she was stirred by noise from inside the case. It sounded like crying.  Marisa sat up and reached to press the lock open, then lifted the lid up. Staring at her from inside it was her now awake daughter, her cheeks tearstained and her eyes still glazed a little with effects of the drug. Pantalaimon was curled at the girl's neck, shaking again in fear.-----Lyra wakes up in the suitcase on the boat. Things go about as you might expect.
Relationships: Lyra Belacqua & Marisa Coulter
Comments: 4
Kudos: 43





	I Want To Believe It But I Can't.

**Author's Note:**

> "I would love to read a story where Lyra wakes up half dazed in that awful trunk before they reach their destination (I have read the books and know where they are going) and have another confrontation. Try to justify that Marisa! ... Well, she would somehow, I know that..."  
> Prompt submitted by Phoenix85.

The journey on the boat so far had been smooth. Lyra had remained safely curled up asleep in the suitcase, Marisa opening it once to check on her and to just stroke her face and hair because she'd missed her daughter and being able to touch her. She also found that she loved watching Lyra sleep. She'd found herself doing that even when Lyra was a baby, watching her squirm and snuffle in her sleep before looking peaceful again, but they'd had such little time together that Marisa'd simply hadn't had enough.

  
Marisa had locked the suitcase again and had started to drift off to sleep herself when she was stirred by noise from inside the case. It sounded like _crying._ Marisa sat up and reached to press the lock open, then lifted the lid up. Staring at her from inside it was her now awake daughter, her cheeks tearstained and her eyes still glazed a little with effects of the drug. Pantalaimon was curled at the girl's neck, shaking again in fear.

  
"Shhh," Marisa cooed. She helped Lyra sit up and lifted her out, wanting to properly comfort her child, and moved to hold her close to her heart. The monkey gently picked up Pan and held him too.

  
"R-Roger," Lyra murmured, trying to blink herself more awake. "I saw..." 

  
"You were dreaming, my love." Marisa glanced over at a nearby canister, where a second dose of the drug had been prepared. _Not yet_ , she decided. _I want to try and talk to her again_

  
"No," Lyra said, shaking her head. She tried to push away, but Mrs Coulter tightened her hold on her. "No."

  
"Don't upset yourself, darling. You're safe now."

  
"Where...where are we?" 

  
"On a boat," Marisa explained. "We'll be somewhere that no danger can find us soon, I promise."

  
"What are you going to do with me?" Lyra's voice wavered. She was still frightened, her mother realised.

  
"I'm not going to hurt you." Marisa rubbed her thumb against the child's jaw, pressing down on the bone there. "I promise, my love. I've never meant to hurt you. All I want is to keep you safe."

  
"You _drugged_ me and hid me in a _suitcase._ " Lyra glared over at where she'd been asleep.

  
"I'll do whatever I have to if it means you're away from harm."

  
"The witches were protecting me. So was Will. What happened to him? If you've hurt him ---"

  
"I haven't," Marisa said with a light shake of her head. "I never even saw that boy. He left you, Lyra."

  
"You left me for years."

  
It was an unexpected comment, which made it sting harder. The monkey growled and a frightened Pantalaimon moved away.

"But I'm here now." Marisa gripped Lyra's chin tightly, tilting it up so that stubborn brown eyes met teary blue ones. "Darling, look at where we are. Look at what I'm doing. I'm here with _you_ , not anybody else."

  
"That man. Mr Latrom. He took from me and he'll hurt Will for the knife."

  
"Carlo?" Marisa let out a light chuckle, tucking some of her daughter's hair behind her ear and releasing her chin. "Oh, darling, you don't have to worry. He's gone now. He won't do anything to hurt you or your friend ever again."

  
"You hurt him." Lyra stared and the expression on her face was unreadable.

  
"I did. But you're my daughter, Lyra. I won't hurt you."

"How can I trust you?"

"Because I'm your mother and I love you, Lyra."

  
Lyra's breathing grew heavy at the last three words and Pan changed into a wildcat. He hissed at the golden monkey and tried to dart away from him, but there was nowhere to really escape to on this. 

  
"Lyra..."

  
"Y-you're just saying that to trick me." There was a time when Lyra would have believed those last three words Mrs Coulter had said and where she even might have returned them. She'd adored Marisa when she'd first met her and had practically hung off of the woman's every word.

 _Ignorant child,_ the monkey told Marisa through their connection, letting out a hiss. _Does she not realise or appreciate what we're sacrificing?_

  
"I'm not." Marisa placed a kiss to her child's forehead. "I promise you, my love. I wouldn't be here with you now if I didn't love you."

  
"Stop," Lyra pleaded, trying to move out of Mrs Coulter's arms. She'd longed for a mother and a mother's love for so long, but Marisa terrified her too much. "You en't ever loved me. You wouldn't _ever_ have given me away if you did."

The monkey let out a loud angry screech at that, Marisa's eyes blazing with fury. She grabbed the second dose of the drug, having heard quite enough, and forced it into her daughter's mouth. Lyra choked on the drink again to try and prevent it but eventually, the same result happened in that she had to swallow it. 

  
"Go back to sleep now, Lyra," Marisa murmured in her daughter's ear, once she'd placed the now empty canister back down. Both of them had tears on their cheeks as Mrs Coulter held a sobbing Lyra close once more. She longed for her child to truly want to be with her, but she wasn't sure anymore if that was ever going to happen. Lyra was simply too stubborn. "It's alright."

  
"I hate you!" Lyra cried. "I hate you!"

  
"Shhhh," Marisa said, placing a gentle kiss to the girl's brow. "My Lyra." And those were the last words Lyra heard before falling back into the same strange sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> So ngl, not sure how happy I am with this but I had fun and wanted to share it with you all regardless! If you would like to submit a prompt, feel free to leave a comment here or send it to me on my tumblr @ snubnosedpantalaimon


End file.
